The dictionary definition of Intimacy is close familiarity or friendship with another person. My definition of intimacy is a deep connection we enjoy with other people, animals, nature, and our inner selves. In the world of romance intimacy is not something one person can own, it is a form of closeness we share with the person we love. When you use the word intimacy in today’s society a lot of the time it diverts a reader‘s attention to sexual intimacy. It refers to a tangible and metaphorical nakedness of bodies in an attempt to enhance emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are bound to each other. Without emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy is forever limited. Without a deeper understanding of love, it is easily misleading to think that in order to enhance trust and romance in a relationship, you need to have sexual intimacy. From experience and through heartbreak, I have learned that this paradoxical notion is somewhat more complex than I had ever imagined. I saw physical intimacy as a way of defining the boundaries I could not reach with emotional intimacy in previous relationships. Emotional intimacy is rather different in a marriage than it is in a relationship when you are still learning about the right person for you to set up an eternal bond with. Physical intimacy can be achieved in many different ways in married life and it is not as shallow as sexual relations as some may have fathomed.
In my early years of dating life, I was lucky to have overcome the fear of heartbreak. I firmly believe that girls are more easily emotionally wounded than boys. We knot together or emotions with sexual intimacy and soon discover what heartbreak feels like whereas boys, seem to be more intelligent in the matter as they compartmentalize the two into quite separate events. This also taught me that just because a man is willing to become sexually intimate with me, does not mean he is ready for emotional intimacy. Upon learning this key fact, I have realized the best way to navigate a relationship to avoid heartbreak is to establish emotional intimacy before that of the physical type. I can safely say that there was a decade of learning before knowing exactly what I was looking for in a long-term relationship with a man.
Since starting a relationship with my husband and now a few years into our married life, I know now that any kind of intimacy is a privilege and needs to be treasured. Intimacy is a two-person process where we need to listen and observe the other person’s wishes and desires as much as reveal our own. Although this may sound simple, it is much more complex than it seems. As with love, I find you can fall in and out of intimacy. Sometimes when you insist too much on intimacy you can end up pushing it further away. The mutual understanding between the two parties involved needs to be made clear. Whether sexual intimacy is a necessity for both parties should be made clear at the beginning of any relationship as people have different levels of need in this discipline. As lives can be busy, the lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship can cause anxiety, suspicion, trust issues, and one to fall out of love with the other. This is when the need to establish other forms of physical intimacy comes in and has done wonders for my marriage.
Physical intimacy can be achieved by wanting to spend time with each other outside the confines of sexual intercourse. I enjoy holding my husband’s hand when we go out for walks, leaning on his shoulder to watch a film (even around the kids). We still share a kiss throughout the day and when we part ways in order to get on our way to work and other activities. Whenever we are around each other we are tempted to tangle ourselves around each other and share every interaction we have a chance to. Even at times when physical intimacy is not possible, I tell my husband how much I miss our cuddles before bed and our flirtations in our dating years. This brings us closer and our emotional intimacy is heightened significantly.
One of the most important pieces of advice I would give to anyone trying to improve emotional intimacy in any relationship is to find the balance between intimacy and space. I have learned that at the cost of at least one relationship that is taking care of and listening to myself, I am paving the way for intimacy with another. After all, it has proven difficult for me to engage in any kind of fulfilling, meaningful, or erotic connection if I am not aware of my own boundaries. I am careful with the balance of intimacy and space in my relationships. I know that an unclear balance can lead to co-dependency which is unhealthy for any romance and would, in turn, diminish any intimacy. Making sure your partner understands the importance of emotional and physical intimacy in your life is the first step in improving this co-created process together.
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